why are we so mean to ourselves?

This is a question I have been thinking about a lot this week.

For some reason over the past few days, I have been the biggest bully to myself. First, we went to a financial advisor…because yeah this adulting thing is so fun. I associate money with a great amount of guilt. The first reason is because I am not that well versed in all things finance; it makes my head spin. I want to make great financial decisions, but half the time I have no idea what anyone is talking about. So what do I do? Beat myself up that I am not smart enough to fully understand. The second reason that going to a financial advisor spurs so much guilt is it forces me to focus on my spending habits. Sure, I wish had more money in my savings account. Why don’t I? Because I had to have another shirt from Gap or I was dying for a Starbucks latte. I understand that now, and have made a pretty good effort to be more conscious of my spending. However, the whole time with the financial planner, all I was thinking about was how much money I could have had if I didn’t do this or did that. The sad thing was no one in the room was judging me or pressuring me…I was doing it all to myself.

Then, yesterday, I had my annual physical. Good times. As you can imagine, the moment of dread happened when I stepped on to the scale and saw that I had gained about 5-6 lbs over the last year. My most immediate thought was: HOW COULD I HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN WHEN I AM GETTING MARRIED IN 5 MONTHS?! Lucky for me, my dress already fits, but of course I wouldn’t mind toning up a bit. I know exactly how it happened. The last few months have been busy, stressful and great all at the same time. First I moved, which meant a lot of my time was spent packing, rather than working out. Then the holidays happened, and my schedule was all over the place. Not to mention, I am never one to turn down a Christmas cookie that I don’t really need. Then, just the over all stress of wedding planning, life changes and combining families, took a toll on me. It makes me mad that instead of cutting myself some slack, I just went straight to the blame game.

Anyways, I don’t want to be so mean to myself anymore. There are a few things I try to do to stop the negative insults in my own head:

Have a kickass group of girl friends

It is an immediate red flag when a girl says that she doesn’t have girl friends because she gets along better with guys. I HATE THAT. She obviously hasn’t been hanging around all the awesome ladies that I am so lucky to call friends. I find that we all have a shared experience of some kind; we can all relate to each other. It helps me get out of the negative space to have positive, inspiring friends that can relate to what I am going through.

Would you say that to a friend?

A wise therapist once gave me this advice. When I am beating myself up, I have to stop and think: would I say these mean things to a friend? The answer is usually no. We show a lot more compassion to the people around us. Try to apply this to yourself too.

Change the scenery.

I don’t know about you, but once I have one negative thought, it just becomes a crusade of insults against myself. I start to remember mistakes I made a month ago, and how I could have done this or that better. It just becomes a downward spiral. Most of the time, to break this thought pattern, I have to stop what I am doing and completely do something else. Maybe I will take my dog for a walk, watch some trashy Bravo TV show, go to the grocery store. I can’t just sit there and try to talk myself out of it because it doesn’t work. I have to remove myself from the situation.