WTF
As of today, I’ve been in New York for 2 months and 14 days. And I don’t know what the f*&% I was thinking.
I am almost broke, definitely unemployed, and sadly uninspired. “What happened to my life?” Is what I’ve been silently asking myself for the last two weeks. And maybe that’s the problem: Surrendering responsibility for the course of your life allows your life to take an irresponsible course. But that’s fake deep. Here’s what’s real…
I came to New York to escape. Escape from my typical life, in my typical town, where I could’ve stayed for the rest of my life working regular old jobs until I could finally retire. To some, being regular is fine; it’s comfortable. To me, it’s suffocating. My life felt painful in D.C. I wasn’t motivated, I wasn’t inspired and I wasn’t growing. My entire being consisted of pleasing others, and sadly, part of my NY move was about pleasing others, too. I call this chapter of my life: Throwing Shit Up Against A Wall To See What Sticks.
Right after I made the decision to quit my job and discover/pursue my passion, I took hit after financial hit. I mean whatever karma I’d put out into the universe was coming back full speed. I couldn’t save as much money as I wanted before I made the jump, but I said, “Hey, if I keep waiting til I’m ‘ready’, I’ll be waiting forever!” So I picked up and took flight. I landed in a Made for TV version of Devil Wears Prada—but not like Ugly Betty. Let’s be real, the majority of the people I have encountered in the industry have been miserable, self-absorbed or perfectly fine—but hardly normal. And maybe that’s the southern naïveté in me. We don’t have to be friends, but being mannerable isn’t a stretch.
In the meantime, I’ve been on interview after interview, and ta-da! NA-DA. It’s definitely the opposite of encouraging but not crippling. I still have home. I’d still like to start my career in PR. I’d still like to be a writer, and I understand that Rome wasn’t built in a day…but it’s been 74 days, and I’m getting restless. I’d like not to be a failure. I’d like to make my parents proud. I’d like to stop comparing myself to everyone else and just allow myself to exist without fear or shame or apologies. And maybe that’s coming, but until then, I struggle. And I question everything. And I hope and I pray, and I try to get smarter. And I assume that my life will fall into place in the timely manner it always seems to. Unfortunately, “Most of our assumptions have outlived their usefulness.” –Marshall McLuhan
Patti Swayne is a native of the Washington, D.C. area and a graduate of Temple University’s School of Communications and Theater. Armed with a degree in Broadcast Journalism, she realized her freedom of expression was more potent in print. She began chronicling her life in July 2010 at The Carry Out and moved to New York City in May 2013 to pursue a career in Public Relations. Living on a hope and a prayer, her faith and her family are her daily bread.
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