I feel guilty ALL the time.
I could be having the best day ever, you know the days when the stars are aligned–my hair isn’t frizzy, the barista prepares my iced coffee perfectly, I land major placements for all my clients, etc.—and yet I still have this gnawing sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach. It seriously never goes away. I think it might be a hereditary Jewish guilty kind of thing
If I am out having fun with my friends, I feel guilty for not being at my computer working. On the flip side if I decide to stay in on a Saturday night, I still feel guilty because I am only 26, and I want to have fun. There is always something I SHOULD and COULD be doing better. I SHOULD walk my dog more, I COULD call my grandmother everyday, I SHOULD workout more often, I COULD spend less money. I wish there was a way to completely forget the concepts of “could” and “should”. Those two little words make my life a living hell.
My all-encompassing sense of guilt reaches an all time high around the Jewish holidays, especially now that I am a real entrepreneur with a big girl business. The world stops for Christmas and Easter, however, for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, we aren’t so lucky. The world goes on as is.
So, my Jewish guilt escalated to an all-time high this morning when I told my mother I would not be coming home for Yom Kippur. As you can imagine her reaction was less than pleased, she pulled the whole God card: “Why can you make time for everything else, but not God”. Ouch. It wasn’t supposed to go there. Jewish mothers and grandmothers should win Olympic gold medals for knowing exactly what to say to bring on the guilt. This is my public promise that I will never do to my own future children.
Is it so bad that I sometimes just need to say “no” to maintain my own sanity? It pains me because I don’t want to let anyone down EVER. However, there are 2 things I know for sure: I am only one person and there are only 24 hours in the day. I can’t be everywhere and do everything all at the same time.
To make my life work, everything has to be a delicate balancing act. I can make plans 1 or 2 nights a week because I have to work late the others. If I go out on Friday, I can only stay out till midnight because I need to function on Saturday. Or if I went out of town for one Jewish holiday, I need to stay in Austin for the next one out. I don’t know what the answer is. Please tell me I am not the only one that feels guilty all the time. Ahhhh! I am done ranting…for now.
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