The Art of Saying “No”

photo via flickr user marc falardeau

The word “no” has become my best friend, but I haven’t always been that comfortable with saying it.  I used to feel the need to say “yes” to all my clients and friends to keep them happy.  In the end, though, I was the one who would end up unhappy.

When I would agree to start something I didn’t want to I’d end up feeling resentful and angry and my work became more of a chore than fun. If it was a work commitment I never gave it my all and instead, would ask, “why am I doing this?” This often happened when I agreed to do something outside of my normal skill set. For example, I work in PR, but I agreed to do social media for a client.  This was a terrible decision. I knew, and still know, nothing about social media.  Every time I worked on it I felt terrible about the quality of my work and it was always something I procrastinated on. In the end, if I had just said “no” that time and effort could have been spent making money doing something for which I was better suited.

While saying no to friends, family, coworkers and bosses isn’t always that easy it can be necessary.  Here are a few things that make saying no a little more bearable:

1)   You don’t need to explain

If you don’t want to do something a simple “no, thank you” is a good enough answer. I often find myself going into a long explanation full of excuses when turning someone down, but this almost always makes the situation worse. Maybe one reason can go along with that “no”, but there’s no need to go too in depth or get too personal. The more you do this, the less firm your answer seems.  If a client sees you aren’t firm, they may feel there’s more wiggle room to convince you to say yes. You don’t always owe people an explanation for your decisions.

2)   Sometimes you have to take care of yourself

In forcing ourselves to take care of others when we really don’t have the time or energy to do so, we end up not taking care of ourselves in the process.  It’s important to remember, especially in work, that if you’re not doing a good job then you’re not going to be doing that job for much longer.

I’m the type of person who needs a good amount of sleep, so sometimes I pass on social plans because I want to get to bed early.  Sure, I feel lame doing this, but then I remember that I seriously can’t function if I’m too tired and of course, when this happens I let even more people down. It’s really okay to make yourself a priority.

3)   Stop feeling guilty

I am quite familiar with the all-consuming guilt that comes with saying “no”. But ask yourself, when was the last time you got seriously mad when someone turned you down?  Chances are it rarely, if ever, happens. Sometimes people just can’t do things, and we usually don’t get angry with them, or hold it against them, for having to back out. Cut yourself some slack and realize most people are understanding and in all likelihood no one will be furious with you for not being able to commit to something.

4)   You don’t want to be resentful

Whenever I say yes to something I really don’t want to do I end up feeling resentful of the project, no matter how small the task. This feeling ends up being worse for everyone and the situation can escalate into something bigger than just saying yes or no. The things that you agree to, but have no passion for, typically become the last things on your to-do list and end up not getting done properly. Or, in a social setting, you end up having no fun. Save yourself the stress and just pass to begin with.

5)   Trust your gut

If your first reaction to something is no, then go with that. If you have to talk yourself into something then it’s definitely not worth doing. There’s no scientific method behind your instincts, but they’re usually right.  I always try to go with my first reaction because, at the time, that is typically the right decision. It’s a good general rule of thumb to never do things you have to spend a lot of time talking yourself into.